sorry its babble
Sorry this is a bit of a psycho babble thing,
You know, I sit here typing away, quite often pretending that I am a well adjusted middle age man with a fear of pigeons, but really this isn’t me at all.
I’m as fucked up as the best of them and sometimes the only reason my diary doesn’t read like one of them “teenage angst” diarys is they are mindfuckingly dull to read.
My one thread that holds me in the mainstream of normality is K, she stops me from just throwing in the towel and joining the jabbering madmen who shout at traffic. And she does it very gently with love, K never nags never, never gives me a hard time she just tucks me in nicely whenever it looks like I might fall out of the straight path.
Being the clever woman she is she does allow me to paddle around the edges of madness. This usually results in me having a good splash about then go back into her arms rather than dive in to madness.
When we met I was impotent, the plumbing worked but the deed wasn’t doable, so she made me better, how many other women would put up with that at the beginning of a relationship?
So, because of K and because I love her I continue to try dance the same dance as everyone else, I might not see the point, but I know K has a different view of the same thing so I trust her judgement .I iron my shirts (badly), I own a suit( makes me feel like a baddy) I try not to swear ( honest I do! It just slips out) and I don’t often stagger in at 4 in the morning clutching a kebab and singing Alex Harvey songs (something I’m a bit prone to doing).
But to be honest I get torn.
I think it must be nice to fit in, without having to think about it. To know all the steps and the correct responses without having to worry about “how am I meant to react to this situation”
Then I also think, “screw it lets just fuck off and let rip, lets just live where we stop. Lets live free and die laughing”. You know the kind of thing….
I think that why I like to spend time alone. Then I just don’t have to think about it..
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.
I received a CD in the post yesterday, It came from my EX-brother-in-law, and contained LOADS of pictures of my kids when they were babies. The biggest shock though was seeing me aged 24, I have decayed so much in the 17 years since Boo was conceived, I think I have aged around 35 years in that short time.