going down
2002-06-03

I could cry.

I'm sat here watching things break, and being well paid to mend them but my mind is frozen. I just dont care.

K is mad at me.

I dont tell here I love her enough, I do love her and I try to remember to tell her but I must forget coz I still dont tell here enough.

I dont care about work, sack me!

I dont care my car is bent, its just a car.

I dont care what people think about me

I just want to be free from obligation

I dont ask much from anyone

nothing is important in the long term

we are all just like sparks in the fire

a flash then nothing.

I might be away down into the pit again.

K will think its all something to do with her and take it really personally,

then we will fall out coz I'm not being what she thinks I should be.

I I will feel worse for upsetting her but will be powerless to do anything about it.

K says I was ignoring her today, I dont see how. I woke up,made love, eat soup, eat a lolly and went to work. most of this happened in the same room. over a 2 hour period. I dont know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

I wish I could stop time and go and be fedup on my own until It passed, then I could turn the world back on again and not piss everyone off.