2 in one night,
2003-01-11

The time has come for another middle of the night Dunc rant, I don�t know why but being up at this time (03:00am) seems to have serious impact on my mood. Which can cycle through despair/resignation/anger in the space of an hour.

It all seems terribly futile, I want to be made redundant, but the company wont let me go yet as it wishes to save money, but the cost incurred by letting me go are about half of the wages they would pay me in 6 months.

Where is the fucking logic in that?

I cant stop singing �Mr Tambourine man� in my head, I always thought of it as a bit of �bubble gum� pop having only ever really heard the Byrds version. But having listened to Melanie sing it (many times believe me) I now find Mr Dylans words to be uplifting.

I have no work to do but have to sit here pretending to be busy, I wish I was busy, Time moves so slowly when I try to fill it by hand. I much prefer to be immersed in a problem, problems hoover up night shifts.

My feet are size 7, I�m wearing Doc Martens shoes, My jeans cost 6 GBP from B-wise. I have a jumper on and the sleeves are 10 inches longer than my arms. My nokia mobile phone has a picture of Homer Simpson on the display (its been there 2 years now) my hair is going grey (including my pubic hair). I want to be thinner but get fatter. It makes me mad that I look l like I do.

For the past couple of weeks I�ve hardly thought about sex at all, my libido seems to have failed and I want it back! I�m in debt to the tune of about 23,000 GBP and it scares me. All my clothes are tatty which while it doesn�t bother me is hardly fair on K who after all does have to look at me, but I keep thinking all my thin clothes will fit one day (do I sound like a woman ?) . I like to just sit and stare into space, not thinking but vegetating. I�ve not made the effort to go see my mates for ages, I�ve been playing the same old tunes on my guitar for years. When I stand up quick I see hundreds of little sparkly bright things that fly away into infinity. I cant work the washing machine, we have 2 cats called milly and molly and I still can't remember which one is which. I have a foul temper and fly into rages at stupid little things, I punch inanimate objects if they annoy me, my biggest achievement this week was managing not to stomp hundreds of maltesers to bits after I opened the cupboard and they all scampered across the floor. Stomping them would have taught them a lesson.

I ejaculate too soon, I cry too often for a proper grown up man. I get indigestion a lot, which is a new thing. I sleep so lightly that I wake if someone in the next postcode flushes the toilet. Sometimes because something is of no interest or importance to me, I assume that its not important to anyone.

I talk too much and listen too little, I�m a know all who thinks he has a solution to every problem instead of just saying �Oh that must be terrible for you�

Basically,what I�m trying to say is, I can be a right tosser.